Leaps of Faith.

I'm about to be done law school forever. Sadly, I'm having a hard time being excited or sad about it. Graduating from law school just doesn't have the same automatic "end of an era" nostalgia that high school and college graduation encompassed. Instead, this just feels like another thing I'm doing, done, and trying to use to my advantage.

Additionally, I'm distracted by all the usual OHMIGODI'MSOSTRESSEDOUT. Trying to study for finals, decide where to take the bar (NY & MA, woot), prepare to move, and get comfortable with the notion of an Uncertain Future. Oh, and very real debt. Hooray! It's hard to find time in-between to make homemade videos with friends set to Vitamin C's "Graduation Song". How can I be sad about what's ending when I don't know what's coming next?

So, in the face of the Unknown, you've got to shoulder stack all the things You Do Know. Unfortunately, that never seems to be very much. Since there's no controlling the world, I only really know things about myself. And pft! How much do I even know of that! Does it count that I know I like thin crust pizza and sweatpants (and that my addiction for one probably inspires my affection for the other?)

Since I'm pretty sure those things don't count, I try to remember all of my Past Life Experiences. I'll just add them all up, and figure out who I am, and VOILA, I will know that I'll be fine and beat the odds (like a classic Disney film). But, I just remember all the times I made embarrassingly un-funny comments, bought something I didn't want b/c a salesperson was pressuring me, didn't get a job, didn't get accepted to a school, oh, and met a cute boy who thought I was homely and/or awkward. That stack of things I know I about myself is really really lame. Almost offensively lame. There is no way that a main character with THAT as their flashback would succeed against the Hannah Montana odds, UNLESS, there was a major makeover montage first.

Terrific. Wonderful. I don't know anything about my future, and all I DO know about my past is that I'm a huge failure who sucks at life, and likes whiskey and should just cry herself to sleep alone in sweatpants and crusts of pizza surrounding her. Cue hyperventilation.

In a quest of re-discovery (and procrastination), I browsed the blog, and stumbled across my fake personal statement prior to beginning law school.

Check out my cold front of naive audacity, where I wrote: "I've got the strength of self to accomplish what I set out to do. And that's the best I can offer anyone - admissions council or potential boyfriend alike." What a cheeky overly-confident 22 year old brat!

And without any reason! She didn't know what she was doing when she graduated college, she felt that sad immediate loneliness from leaving college dorm life into a world of old people who could care less about you, she had a difficult job, and eventually, she was going to law school at night.

But, if that bratty 22 year old believed this 26 year old could accomplish things, then, I guess I have to believe it too. Even if leaps of faith in yourself are the hardest kind to take.

For the record, I'd rather be betting on a racehorse. Like, Secretariat or Prefontaine. Both are more preferable Disney main characters.

Currently Listening: James Blake - To Care (Like You)